This weekend is my Birthday weekend. Technically its not till tomorrow but My mom, SuzAnn, and I decide back in February that we would a run away to the Oregon Coast. I lived in Oregon for 9 years and will always feel like it is my home.
This weekend has been a bitter sweet weekend. While we had this planned months ago life always throws you curve balls. My curve ball, being told that my birth mom was dying. I was raised by my dad since I was two. I barely saw mom and have little memories of her that are good. I am sad that she is sick and that we never did get to be close. There were many chance to try and reconnect but both people have to want it and unfortunately that wasn't the case. So I flew in on Friday and went to see her before I head out to the coast. Some may not agree with my choice but it was my choice. She was not coherent at all and was running a fever so I visited my sister for a bit and then left. I was fortunate enough to get to see my mom and speak to her on Monday before I flew out. It was short but it brought much needed healing.
I had plan to use this time for personal reflection and it was time well spent. Being a mom and working full time I have let my self be put on the back burner and lost who I was. I know it is not an over night fix but having a few days to worry about no one but yourself really kicks into gear.
Yesterday morning as well as today's where spent in the early hours walking the beach looking for treasures as well as person reflection. As I walked I began to sing part of song that I often hear on KLove sung by Francesca Battistelli. Its called Its Your Life and the lines that kept coming to mind where
"its your life
what you gunna do
the world is watching you
everyday the choices you make
say what you are and who
your heart beats for
its an open door
its your life"
At first I was just singing it over and over not really paying attention to why i felt compelled to repeat those lines over and over. However after a few rounds I stopped and realized the power those words had. It is my life, but what was I doing with? When I thought of the world watching me I didn't think of my neighbors or coworkers or Friends. Instead I though of my kids. They watched me every day, was I making the right choices? Was I teaching them how love life and be them selves or was I teaching them that life was just stress and trying to be "perfect". I realized very quickly it was the later.
I haven't been enjoying my life. I get up every day grumbling about having to go to work and then come home to cook, clean and help with homework. I didn't have joy in what I was doing and that was projecting on to my children. Then I got to thinking about why I wasn't enjoying my life. I mean I had a great job, two great kids, wonderful friends but I wasn't enjoying my self. I found as I walked I didn't know who I was anymore. I had lost my self in the rat race of life and it ended today, in that moment. I know that it wont happen over night and that it will constant redirection to figure my self out again but it can and will be done. Not just for me but for my children. They deserve to have a happy healthy mother who was present in their lives. That was the gift that I could give them, as well as myself, from this moment forward.
This blog is my way of being accountable for that journey. Even when I have rough days and I want to give up I remember who is watching.
Happy Sunday!
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