Why is it as birthdays approach a person begins to find themselves looking back over year and evaluating their progress. I mean, maybe its just me or the fact that I have 5 years until I am 40 that has me kinda have a freak out. I am not at all where I thought I would be at 35.
When I was a doe eyed youth, walking across the stage at graduation I thought I had my whole life planned out. I would go to college, until I found a great man to marry in the temple and have 6 kids. I would have a two story house, a dog and a mini van. I must admit I am grateful to not have the mini van, not my style. I would have held a calling in Young Womens or Relief Society...Now back to reality.
With my 35 birthday quickly approaching next weekend I find that none of that had happened. I have been married..twice..but neither worked out. Neither were they in the temple. However, I did get two amazing children out of both, for which I am forever grateful.
My two cheeseballs!
My life may not have turned out like I had hoped at 18 but i learned a lot about myself in ways that I wouldn't have every thought.I learned that I am stronger than I thought I was. That then when push comes to shove I could and would get into the trenches and dig my way out. I learned that being along is not always a bad thing, we need it to clear our minds of the negative voices and instead concentrate on what matter to ourselves. However, I still had my doubts and I slipped back into listen to the negative voices.
I have always been unsure of my self. I mean sure I crack jokes, and smile all the time, but deep down I am so scared of people really seeing me. I am good to just fade into the back ground...at least the old me did. Lately I have been feeling like there is someone deep inside that is crying to be let out. Screaming see me...really see me!
One of the ways I have hidden my self from the world was with my weight. In high school I was your average body type. I wasn't fat but I have muscle and curves. However after the birth of my son, I gained about 60 pounds and have struggled to get it off. My first divorce didn't help at all. I was left feeling like I would never be good enough. While living in Oregon I became a vegetarian and found that the weight started to fall off, I had energy again and I was working out. I would ride my bike to the store, walk along the river for three + miles a day and did yoga.I was finally figuring out who I was and loving my self again. However after moving back to yoga i started to eat junk food again and the weight came back. I was really good with my daughter and only gained 20 lbs during pregnancy and that fell off pretty quickly but i was still looking at 40 extra pounds. With my second divorce I found myself again raising not one kid but two kids by myself and going to school. That is code for not having time to work out, or that it what i told my self.
Why then do you ask, was weight how I hide myself. Well being heavy no one looked at me. I wanted to date but was scared to put my self out there so I blamed my weight for it and stayed home. I could fade into the background and never really have to open my self up to someone. However, it left me with just my self and that caused me to take a good hard look at my life and realize that I was not happy. I love being around people, trying new adventures and enjoying life. However I wasnt doing any of that and it has caused me to slip into a depression. Depression..something I never thought I would deal with. I mean I am always happy and excited for life. Lately, I just want to sit at home and not have to deal with anyone else. It was the reality check I needed. I know losing the weight is not going to be easy. It is going to take a lot of hard work. I am going to have make sure to take time for me, cause a happy healthy mom is a the best kind of mom.
So this is my journey, not only to become physically healthy but emotionally and spiritually. It a time for me to really think about what makes me happy, what drives me. I know I am going to have ups and downs but hey every journey does, that where we learn. So hold on tight and enjoy the ride, I am sure there will be lots of laughter and tears along the way!
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