Soul Food

This weekend is my Birthday weekend. Technically its not till tomorrow but My mom, SuzAnn, and I decide back in February that we would a run away to the Oregon Coast. I lived in Oregon for 9 years and will always feel like it is my home. 

This weekend has been a bitter sweet weekend. While we had this planned months ago life always throws you curve balls. My curve ball, being told that my  birth mom was dying. I was raised by my dad since I was two. I barely saw mom and have little memories of her that are good. I am sad that she is sick and that we never did get to be close. There were many chance to try and reconnect but both people have to want it and unfortunately that wasn't the case. So I flew in on Friday and went to see her before I head out to the coast. Some may not agree with my choice but it was my choice. She was not coherent at all and was running a fever so I visited my sister for a bit and then left. I was fortunate enough to get to see my mom and speak to her on Monday before I flew out. It was short but it brought much needed healing.

I had plan to use this time for personal reflection and it was time well spent. Being a mom and working full time I have let my self be put on the back burner and lost who I was. I know it is not an over night fix but having a few days to worry about no one but yourself really kicks into gear. 

Yesterday morning as well as today's where spent in the early hours walking the beach looking for treasures as well as person reflection. As I walked I began to sing part of song that I often hear on KLove sung by Francesca Battistelli. Its called Its Your Life and the lines that kept coming to mind where 

"its your life

what you gunna do

the world is watching you

everyday the choices you make

say what you are and who 

your heart beats for

its an open door

its your life"

At first I was just singing it over and over not really paying attention to why i felt compelled to repeat those lines over and over. However after a few rounds I stopped and realized the power those words had. It is my life, but what was I doing with? When I thought of the world watching me I didn't think of my neighbors or coworkers or Friends. Instead I though of my kids. They watched me every day, was I making the right choices? Was I teaching them how love life and be them selves or was I teaching them that life was just stress and trying to be "perfect". I realized very quickly it was the later. 

I haven't been enjoying my life. I get up every day grumbling about having to go to work and then come home to cook, clean and help with homework. I didn't have joy in what I was doing and that was projecting on to my children. Then I got to thinking about why I wasn't enjoying my life. I mean I had a great job, two great kids, wonderful friends but I wasn't enjoying my self. I found as I walked I didn't know who I was anymore. I had lost my self in the rat race of life and it ended today, in that moment. I know that it wont happen over night and that it will constant redirection to figure my self out again but it can and will be done. Not just for me but for my children. They deserve to have a happy healthy mother who was present in their lives. That was the gift that I could give them, as well as myself, from this moment forward. 

This blog is my way of being accountable for that journey. Even when I have rough days and I want to give up I remember who is watching. 

Happy Sunday! 

Self Discovery....

Why is it as birthdays approach a person begins to find themselves looking back over year and evaluating their progress. I mean, maybe its just me or the fact that I have 5 years until I am 40 that has me kinda have a freak out. I am not at all where I thought I would be at 35. 

When I was a doe eyed youth, walking across the stage at graduation I thought I had my whole life planned out. I would  go to college, until I found a great man to marry in the temple and have 6 kids. I would have a two story house, a dog and a mini van. I must admit I am grateful to not have the mini van, not my style. I would have held a calling in Young Womens or Relief Society...Now back to reality. 

With my 35 birthday quickly approaching next weekend I find that none of that had happened. I have been married..twice..but neither worked out. Neither were they in the temple.  However, I did get two amazing children out of both, for which I am forever grateful. 

My two cheeseballs! 

My life may not have turned out like I had hoped at 18 but i learned a lot about myself in ways that I wouldn't have every thought.I learned that I am stronger than I thought I was. That then when push comes to shove I could and would get into the trenches and dig my way out. I learned that being along is not always a bad thing, we need it to clear our minds of the negative voices and instead concentrate on what matter to ourselves. However, I still had my doubts and I slipped back into listen to the negative voices. 

 I have always been unsure of my self. I mean sure I crack jokes, and smile all the time, but deep down I am so scared of people really seeing me. I am good to just fade into the back ground...at least the old me did. Lately I have been feeling like there is someone deep inside that is crying to be let out. Screaming see me...really see me! 

One of the ways I have hidden my self from the world was with my weight. In high school I was your average body type. I wasn't fat but I have muscle and curves. However after the birth of my son, I gained about 60 pounds and have struggled to get it off. My first divorce didn't help at all. I was left feeling like I would never be good enough. While living in Oregon I became a vegetarian and found that the weight started to fall off, I had energy again and I was working out. I would ride my bike to the store, walk along the river for three + miles a day and did yoga.I was finally figuring out who I was and loving my self again.  However after moving back to yoga i started to eat junk food again and the weight came back. I was really good with my daughter and only gained 20 lbs during pregnancy and that fell off pretty quickly but i was still looking at 40 extra pounds. With my second divorce I found myself again raising not one kid but two kids by myself and going to school. That is code for not having time to work out, or that it what i told my self. 

Why then do you ask, was weight how I hide myself. Well being heavy no one looked at me. I wanted to date but was scared to put my self out there so I blamed my weight for it and stayed home. I could fade into the background and never really have to open my self up to someone. However, it left me with just my self and that caused me to take a good hard look at my life and realize that I was not happy. I love being around people, trying new adventures and enjoying life. However I wasnt doing any of that and it has caused me to slip into a depression. Depression..something I never thought I would deal with. I mean I am always happy and excited for life. Lately, I just want to sit at home and not have to deal with anyone else. It was the reality check I needed. I know losing the weight is not going to be easy. It is going to take a lot of hard work. I am going to have make sure to take time for me, cause a happy healthy mom is a the best kind of mom. 

So this is my journey, not only to become physically healthy but emotionally and spiritually. It a time for me to really think about what makes me happy, what drives me. I know I am going to have ups and downs but hey every journey does, that where we learn. So hold on tight and enjoy the ride, I am sure there will be lots of laughter and tears along the way!